LOST MEMORIES

Words Vs Knives

[6:30 AM; May 26, 2022]

"Dear Calista,

Hey again! It's me, your lonesome friend. I know, I know. You're pissed off because instead of your mother greeting you with good morning, she greeted you with lots of questions about your requirements.

I know that. She does that every day, you have to get used to it. Like, yeah. She started doing that ever since the pandemic happened. But hey, we still love her, we still do. She pisses us off but we still love her.

I know that you're really tired, Cali. And I'm glad that you've finally picked up a habit of leaving your gadgets and focusing on your requirements. I'm also glad that you finally got used to the pomodoro technique. I'm seeing small improvements, little by little, you're improving!

I'm so proud of you. Now here's a question for today. I know you're bothered by past memories...so I just want to ask...What's bothering you?

Is it the insults? Is it the harsh comments from your family, specifically your mom? Is it the demanding statements from your classmates from your previous school? Or...is it because of the fact that the person you like...likes someone else?

...maybe it really is because of him. And also because of the fact that I had a lot of toxic friends. I hate it. I stupidly made friends without even knowing them well...

I'm the stupid person here. I'm not good at making friends and when I have one, they're either fake or extremely toxic. Why is it so...painful...

I'm already used to being insulted or offended by people but...nothing hurts more when a friend whom you've treated as a sibling backstabs you...well, I mean, siblings are like that, right? HAHAHA

"I won't hurt you" they said "I won't say anything bad about you" they said "I will treat you better than your "friends" from your previous school did" they said. But they're the same set of devils in different bodies. I hate it.

Why must I suffer all the time? Getting insults from my family themselves, being compared with other people who are at a different level as I am, wanting me to change into someone who passes to their expectations...why? 

I'm already tired at home and I get even more worn out at school, in public...

What did I do to deserve this? I do my best to be a nice person but what am I lacking? I stopped expressing myself too much but people still think I'm an attention seeker for wanting to make friends with people.

They call me "too sensitive" because of being emotional. Is it my fault that I'm already tired? Is it my fault that I'm already fed up by all the things you made me put up with?

And YOU. You, the guy whom I fell in love with, why must you play with my feelings that way? You think I'm dumb to realize that? It hurts...bro, it really hurts. Giving me false hopes that I'll be yours? You could've just...rejected me...

You made me feel special. I humiliated myself in class because I wanted to confess to you and maybe that humiliation will make me realize that you're not worth it but I was wrong. You made me feel so special...

You're the entire reason why I'm still standing. You're the reason why every night, I smile to myself because every time I think about you, I feel so beautiful...but then I didn't expect for you to like her.

I'm happy that you finally found her. But I'm not happy about the fact that you gave me false hopes that I'll be yours, you didn't even bother to reject me even if I told you that you should, you made me feel that feeling that I've never felt before.

I hate that you talk bad stuff behind my back and act so nice around me. I hate that you mention my name in front of your friends and talk bad stuff about me. I hate that you would make me feel so happy and shitty at the same time.

I hate that your sugar coated words fooled me. I hate that you treat me so well but behind me, you say stuff about me that would actually hurt my feelings. I hate that you didn't reject me and played with my feelings.

I HATE YOU. You bother my mind all the time. You enter inside my brain and you would bother me non-stop which makes me fall for you deeper. I hate it... I'm in an abyss with no escape... I hate this.

Cali...never fall for another guy like him or any guy ever. Not until you've fixed yourself, don't even fall for someone. Build and strengthen yourself first before you go and love someone. I guess...true love starts with you.

Cali, take a break. I know that these words...those words that they told you have broken you down into smaller pieces that you feel like it's impossible to fix yourself again...but remember darling. We are one.

You and I are one. No one can break us. Now, let us both rest ourselves. Good night, my love. Sleep well.

From your dearest lover,

Calista"

I felt like I was just stabbed...

To be continued...