Burning Blue | Langst

Chapter Six

Lances POV

My body felt so heavy. Everything felt so broken. I couldn't drag myself out of bed. I couldn't even bring myself out of the uncomfortable position I was in laying down. It felt like I was drowning, but I was above the water. Tears were falling down my face as I was trapped in my thoughts. I couldn't bring myself to forget.

That's when I felt a comforting hand was placed on my shoulder. I look behind me expecting to see Keith, but instead I saw Hunk... what was he doing here? Usually they just let me wallow in my self pity. No one normally cares. I bet this was all Keith's doing. Trying to force people to care about me who really just hate me.

I roll my eyes and turn back around trying to forget that he was even there. "Lance, we have training.." Hunks voice was soft yet majestic. But again I try to just block it out like I tried to do with Kieth earlier. "Can you just go?" I ask politely but my voice was only a whisper. I knew that If I were to use the full strength of my voice I would just break down and I didn't want to do that at the moment.

I heard him just sigh, "we just miss you." Hunks said softly. Miss me?! Fucking miss me?! I turn around and glared at him, "you guys didn't seem to miss me when I was apparently fucking up on mission. Or when I would just try to make conversation with you guys. Or I would crack a joke to brighten up the mood. Or how about when I was tearing myself apart in my room. Or how about when I skipped meals so I could train because you guys told me I was weak. Or I don't know the countless names you have called me!" I broke down in-front of him,  in front of my 'best friend'.

"Lance I'm sorry... I-" I didn't even let him finish his sentence. I yelled at him, "get the hell out!" I point towards the door gesturing him to get out. "Lance, I just wan-" I growl at him, "get the FUCK out!" He just lets out a sigh and gets up and walks out of the room.

I take in a deep breath trying to calm my nerves. My hands were shaking and my breathing was out of control. Wow. Another panic attack. What a surprise. I try taking in deep breaths but clearly that didn't work. I let out a sob, tests cascading down my face. My breathing becoming uneven.

I heard the door open again, I just didn't pay no mind to it. I was trying to calm myself down. I felt arms wrap around my body. They started to rock me back and forth whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I took in a deep breath and started to control my breathing. Why does this happen to me. Why was I so useless? Why was I me? I looked up and saw Keith holding me.

"Hey baby, it's alright I'm here!" His voice was soft and magical. Like it was only something you would hear in the movies. I held on to him tighter. Not wanting to let go, scared he would just disappear. I never wanted him to leave me.

I suck in a deep breath and look at him with a smile. His face was all I needed to bring me joy. I'm so glad that he was back. I don't know what I would have done with out him. I don't know how I survived this long without him. But I just lied back down on the bed. Throwing the blanket back over my body. Once again it holding me down.

Keith lied down right next to me, looking at me with a smile. He placed a hand on my face and rubbed his thumb up against my cheek. "I love you" he says quietly, expecting me not to hear him. I giggle a little, "I love you too." I had a slight blush on my face. I loved how I felt when I was with him.

Useless

My eyes went wide, why were they back? I was perfectly fine. I was laying with the one I love why would they just come back.

He doesn't love you.
He's using you.

I felt my whole body tense up and I guess Keith took notice to it. He looked at me with a concern face, "hey what's wrong?" I just shrug my shoulders trying to forget about it. But the thoughts just kept coming.

Your fat.
Your ugly.
Your stupid.
You shouldn't even be alive.
Why are you here.
You should kill yourself

I took in a sharp breath and put a fake smile on my face. And clearly again Keith saw right through it. "Lance tell me what's wrong?" Keith moved his hand from my face to my shoulder. Rubbing it reassuringly, making sure I was comfortable with him.

"It's just- well... my thoughts I guess." I shrug my shoulders which indicating to him that it was nothing, so he shouldn't even worry. Why did he care so much about me. I did nothing but fuck with him while he was here? I don't understand how he even has feelings for someone like me. I don't even like me.

His face was filled with concern and care, "babe, don't listen to them. You are amazing and beautiful, thoughtful and kind, talented and most importantly your my sharpshooter." Keith's kept telling me how amazing I was. I felt a tear fall down my face. Sometimes that's all you need to hear for all of your bad thoughts to go away. I kissed him on the cheek, "thank you.." he smiled and me and whipped away my tears. "Of course baby!" He had a bright smile on his face.

Then he sat up from his position on the bed, "so you ready to eat." I groan and roll over throwing the blanket over my face. I couldn't bring myself to eat. I was to fat and if I gained more weight maybe Keith would leave me. I couldn't have that. He's the only thing that is holding me together.

"Lance.. you need to eat." His voice was stern, as if he was trying to get himself not to yell at me.

Your fat!
Your ugly
Your useless
Your stupid
Your slutty

I place my hands over my ears. "Shut up..." I say to my self very quietly. Keith couldn't even make it out.

Your nothing
No one likes you
Why would Keith want anything to do with you
You should kill yourself
You are nothing compared to any one on voltron
Your weak

"Shut up!" I yell to myself. Keith looks at me confused. "You know what fine fuck you." Keith thought I was talking to him. That's when I heard the door slam shut.

Maybe I should kill myself...

No one would care if your gone
Your just annoying
You were nothing to the team

I suck in a deep breath and walked into the bathroom. I unwrapped my arms bandages. I grab my blade that was still on the floor from when Keith threw it across the room.

~Trigger warning~

I grab the blade and put it on my wrist. Wouldn't Keith care? I shouldn't do this Keith would care, right?

No he wouldn't.
He wants you dead
No one wants you here
You should just do it
Not like anyone would care
Your just a worthless piece of shit

They were right. The voices were right..

I press the blade down on my arm dragging it up my arm creating a vertical line. Blood quickly pouring out and landing on the floor. That's when my breathing started to become uneven. Tears were falling down my face as I did so. No one would care, right? So I was doing them all a favor.

I put the blade in my other hand and placed it on my other arm. I took a deep breath and ran the blade up my arm, creating yet another vertical line going up my arm as blood was seeping down my arm and onto the floor.

~Trigger warning over~

Blood quickly started to cover the floor of the bathroom. My breathing started to become uneven. My eyes started to become to heavy to keep open and I let my body rest. Everything becoming black.