thoughts of an aromantic

4.

today someone asked me 'what ever happened to who you used to be?'

i stared at them and asked myself 'who was i before then?' why was i so different that it made this person ask me, what ever happened to whoever took my place before the me that i am now?

that person i put to rest. this is who i am now. and yet i was still at a loss to answer.

-

'any boyfriends lately?'

how do i explain that i never want one, never want to be touched by one, never want to be loved by one? how do i explain that i can still live in pure happiness without someone by my side?

it gets me riled up; i worry about this sometimes.

-

'standards?'

my heart sped at a lightning speed. i hid it very well. i lied through my red stung teeth. my hand still shook as i lifted my water bottle to my lips, but they didn't notice. and i sighed in relief.

i need to get over it. they're just small lies. but even small lies can have subtle truth. so why was i still shaking afterwards?

-

'what makes you seem so lonely?'

i am truly not lonely. i have a handful of friends who probably care about me, and family that will come to my aid. i never walk alone at night, because my mother taught me not to. i never go anywhere alone because i taught myself not to. its better being with people you love.

i don't need to be with people who love me. its hard to believe that those people exist. its hard to believe these people have a big enough heart to let me fit inside it.

i read somewhere once, however, the difference between lonely and alone. 'alone' meaning the physical sense of alone, i.e. one person walking down the street, one person buying coffee. whilst 'lonely' can be metophorical; one person can be lonely while surrounded by thousands of people, while surrounded by closest friends.

i am not lonely. i am alone. and it's a lovely feeling.

-

authors note:

to those who are commenting on this book that relate to what i feel, i thank you all deeply. its nice to not feel alone in this fight, and you should remember this too. if you ever need someone to talk about this deeper, please send me a message, i'm willing to listen. thank you. -jade