up to this point in time, my life was never really gray.
i was the most passionate of kids, and every color was vivid in my eyes. and at the small age of 5, I wanted to be pretty much everything. today i still have that drive.
i just wish it equated to my own emotions and feelings towards relationships.
when it comes down to that, the world becomes gray. and i am at loss of how to fix that.
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you don't understand, i told him once.
No, not the him from before, not the him who was cruel. but the Him i thought was once mine.
i told him in the most pathetic and insensitive way, that i valued our friendship more than the valuable words he shared with me. those words must have been hard for him to say. i was not one bit guilty.
i was, however, more so frozen and stricken when he kissed me and i could not respond.
though i was quick to put on my mask. and my world became even grayer.
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when we parted there was a sadness that covered me without my own acknowledgement.
No matter what, we told each other that day, you'll still be my friend.
we both had the decency to look each other in the eye when we said it, and we both pretended it felt real.
yet when we said it it sounded hollow. there was no problem with the sentence's structure. the only problem was that it left ourselves dreaming.
yes i said dreaming is good in some cases. in this case it was not. and i have not heard his voice nor his words since.
i like to imagine i've forgotten the way he looks as well.
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these feelings have no say over me. they cannot control me, no matter how much it tried.
and though i was bested at my weakest moment, i became stronger. out of this turmoil i stood still. and i became who i am now.
that's all that truly matters.
YOU ARE READING
thoughts of an aromantic
Non-Fiction"What's wrong with you?" he asked me. There that sentence hung in the air between us, and I remember now how I wasn't looking at him. How instead I looked up at the clouds that seemed to run faster than my thoughts. "Yeah, there's a word for it," I...
