How would you feel? (Harry Styles) || COMPLETED

76. Only Forever

January 3rd 2017, Cardiff

I rolled around on my bed, trying to get back to sleep but, even if I closed my eyes and I felt very tired, my mind was fully awake. I had questions, I weirdly didn't understand Harry's intentions, I didn't know what he wanted me to do... hell, I didn't even know what I wanted to do. I looked at the clock again and noticed it was still 5 AM. I cursed myself for always being so paranoid. I really believed that I had gotten better at handling my feelings but when it came to Harry, everything felt untamable. I didn't know why, but he honestly had a power over me, and I hated and loved him at the same time for that. I hated it because I knew that no one was going to be able to replace him. I loved it because I felt lucky to have felt something so strong. 

Truth to be told, I was also very scared. Hence why I still didn't know what I wanted. Even if I had convinced myself that I was acting natural and going with the flow, deep down I knew I was still playing it safe. Yes, we flirted and hugged sometimes but I never let it go further than that. 

In addition to this, I also didn't know if Harry wanted us to be something more or not. Jack said it was clear that he really wanted me, but I knew Harry and he was a kind and touchy human being no matter what. What seemed strange to me was that he hadn't tried anything yet. I knew we had only been reconnecting for a few weeks but he had always been faster than that. 

What was certain was that I was once again awake in the middle of the night, thinking about him, and aware that I would have waited for him forever. It looked like a never-ending vicious circle that we both weren't able to give up. 

"I've been thinking about the future and I've been thinking about the now... I know we're gonna be together, I just don't know how... You know when we get close, you can't deny the tension between us both... and I don't wanna pressure you, but I think you need to make a move... I've been waiting and I'll keep waiting only forever" I started typing on my iPhone notes, with a melody on my mind. 

"I can tell that you're terrified to take a shot this strong... should I wait up for you day and night? Just let me know how long" I continued, and lyrics seemed to be writing themselves

"What if I told you it's too late? What if I say that I can't wait? What if I meet somebody else who doesn't leave me on a shell? I'll give you one more chance, but it only lasts... Only forever" I finished. 

I stood up, put a sweater on, grabbed the house keys and walked outside. I had to record the demo of the song before forgetting the tune, so I sat on the grass and quickly did so. It was crazy how natural it was - and had always been - to write songs about Harry. Lyrics always came easily when I thought about him, contrary to the other songs that took hours, even days, to be finished.  As I was feeling satisfied with what I had just produced, I headed back inside.  

"Good morning?" I heard a voice as soon as I opened the front door and jumped, also because of the movie we had watched the night before. 

"Fuck!" I cursed, "you scared me, Harry!" I almost yelled

"I'm sorry" he giggled, I looked at him, noticed he was very cuddly with a grey hoodie, black joggers, and running shoes. Sleepy Harry had always been one of my weaknesses so, by seeing him like that after more than a year, I almost had a heart attack, "so... what were you doing outside... at 6 AM?" he smiled

"I couldn't sleep so I wrote a song and recorded it in the garden" I giggled, "what are you doing awake?"

"The perks of being songwriters huh" he smiled, "I actually wanted to go for a jog" 

"Oh," I unconsciously replied

"Would you like to join me?" he kindly asked, which made me laugh because I hated running, "I mean... we could walk instead" he smirked