Becoming Better

Chapter 2 - What Now?

Charlie's panic attacks had started again during the past year while she was together with Cassius. Now that he was gone, they were worse.

"What were you and Cassius arguing about before you broke up?" her therapist, Stephanie, asked her. Stephanie was a pretty woman, probably in her late 30s. She didn't look like a therapist at first glance, but she was actually a decent one. Charlie had been coming to Stephanie since her anxiety had returned.

"The same stuff as before," Charlie said dully. "Some guy commented on my Instagram. Cassius didn't like it."

Things between Charlie and Cassius changed significantly after he came home early from his trip abroad last summer. She didn't quite know when it happened, but Cassius developed a severe jealousy streak. He was suddenly insecure about every guy in her life. He would come pick her up from school and grill her about who talked to her that day. If she was out with friends and too many guys showed up, she would have to call him and he would come get her. He asked her for her social media passwords, so he could see if guys were messaging her. Charlie didn't mind giving them to him, because she had nothing to hide. Stephanie had not approved at the time.

"You had the first panic attack immediately after you broke up, right? Was there anything in particular that brought it on, or do you think it was the breakup itself?" Stephanie asked.

Charlie thought about it. "I just don't want to lose him. I can't lose him."

"And you've been having panic attacks since?" Stephanie continued.

"Yeah," Charlie sighed. "Every day."

Charlie had planned her future with Cassius already. In her mind, she saw their life as adults. She was going to go to the Community College in Bridgeport, and they were going to move into an apartment together. She no longer cared about getting into a University. Instead of the traditional college experience, she and Cassius were going to travel and go on adventures with each other. Eventually, they were going to get married. She knew she was never going to want to be with anyone but him. So, she gave him everything. She lost her virginity to him a couple months after her 17th birthday. It didn't matter to her then that they weren't married yet.

She didn't know what to do now.

"Charlie, I know I have said this before but I need to say it again, Cassius has been exhibiting emotionally abusive behavior. He's been very controlling of you and," Stephanie started.

Charlie cut her off. "He loves me. That's all. He just loves me and doesn't want to lose me."

"Then why did he break up with you?" Stephanie asked.

"I don't know!" Charlie yelled, her heart rate climbing.

Charlie knew Cassius' behavior was technically not healthy. She tried her best to understand it though. They were no longer at school together, but he knew how all the boys at Saint Peters acted. It wasn't strange for him to assume boys would hit on her now that he was gone. And on top of that, he was going to college. She knew it was stressful for him, he had said more than once how difficult it was. Maybe the fact that he wasn't doing well in school was why he became so insecure. At the end of the day, was it so wrong that he wanted to make sure Charlie wasn't going to leave him?

"I don't doubt that he loves you Charlie, but let's prepare for the possibility that you guys are really broken up for good. You need to leave your house, go hang out with your friends. It's summer, maybe go to the beach?" Stephanie suggested.

"Ok," Charlie said unenthusiastically.

She thought about Taylor. She had barely seen her since school got out. She hadn't even told her about Cassius yet. She hadn't told any of her friends.

"Even if you don't feel like doing anything, it's important that you get out and keep living your life. Things will get easier, eventually. In the meantime, I'm going to send you to the psychiatrist I work with, she can prescribe you something for the panic attacks," Stephanie said, writing something down.

She handed Charlie a paper with the name of the doctor and the number. Charlie's session was over, so she exited the office. The bright sunshine outside caused her to squint and cover her eyes.

She sighed. Stephanie was right. She got out her phone and called Taylor.

Taylor answered on the third ring. "Charlie? What's up? I haven't talked to you in like 2 weeks!"

"I know," Charlie said, biting her lip. "Listen, uh, Cassius and I broke up..."

"WHAT!?" Taylor screamed through the phone.

"Yeah," Charlie continued. "Do you think we could hang out?"

"Of course, I want to hear everything!" Taylor said. "Are you ok?"

Charlie paused. "Not really, but I'm trying to be. I really need to get out of my house."

"Come over, ASAP," Taylor insisted. "Oh wait, there's a big party tonight, at John's. If you want to get your mind off things, we could go? Or we can just stay in and eat ice cream. I'm fine with either."

Charlie contemplated the idea of a party. She had been dating Cassius so long, she hadn't been to a party in forever. They used to go to things like that together, but they would always end up arguing and leaving early, so they stopped.

"Let's go to the party," she decided.