Feelings Incarnate | ✓

27 | Therapeutical Lilac Skies

Kiara࿐

"Okay, are you ready to walk?" Dr. Freiya, my physiotherapist, asked. Her eyes were kind and reassuring, giving me a feeling of comfort, which made me feel more at ease than I'd ever been these past few weeks.

Taking a deep breath, I gripped the bar of the zimmer frame tightly as I unsteadily staggered up onto my limp feet, Jay holding me up by my elbow for support.

Rose had asked to join me today, but I'd sent her away to attend the psychology lectures. I didn't feel comfortable knowing that she was missing her education for me. I was all set to join my physical therapy sessions with my sister, but Jay volunteered, saying that he was free and wanted to help. I tried to reject his offer since I had my sister, but he insisted.

This entire process had made me dependent on others, and I was so frustrated about it. I didn't want to depend on others. I felt like a burden, especially to my family.

When I woke up in the middle of the night, I could faintly hear my mom's sniffles. Dad didn't go out with his friends as much and was always at home. He occasionally came into my room to check up on me, and I didn't know how to get used to this new persona of his. In her free time, my sister brought her laptop to my room, and we sat on my bed, laughing over sitcoms.

I had to use a wheelchair for movement. It was difficult and strange to me. I especially hated going to the bathroom; it was chaos. The wheelchair was so uncomfortable. And as a result, once again, I had to depend on someone--either my mom or my sister. And every time they came into my room to help me, I could see the apparent pain in their eyes. It clenched my heart, but I was helpless.

I wanted to show them that I was happy and tried to hide my dreary feelings by having a positive facade, but everybody knew that I wasn't fine. I knew I wasn't fine, especially since I couldn't remember what happened on the day of the accident.

I could remember Hayden. I could remember his warmth and how happy I was when I was with him. I could remember every joke he had made and all our conversations. According to my memories, I knew Hayden was my boyfriend, but why wasn't he here? Was he in trouble, or did he just decide to leave me alone? So, are we not in a relationship anymore? But most importantly, was he with me during the accident? Was he hurt?

I knew Mom had something to do with him not being here, but when I saw how fatigued she looked, I couldn't bring myself to ask her. She was already going through a lot. But curiosity was gnawing at me. I wanted to see him and find the answers to all my questions, but I didn't know where he was. Nobody helped me.

I couldn't remember the particularly catastrophic day of the accident. Not a single thing. I asked Rose, but she didn't tell me anything, no matter how much I probed her. Mom must've warned her not to tell me. But I was still curious. Curious as to why I felt so empty and how on earth I ended up like this. I needed to know, but they didn't understand.

As I tried to walk steadily while gripping the walking frame tight, the blonde physiotherapist kept encouraging me. But her cheers weren't helping. I tripped and would've crumpled on to the floor along with the frame if it wasn't for Jay. He held me up while I cursed myself for being so inutile and pathetic.

Why couldn't I freaking walk?!

It's like I was a toddler, for God's sake! I wasn't paralysed; I could feel the cold floor under my feet. But alas, why did I feel like I was?

All the degrading thoughts in my mind overwhelmed me and I broke down in the middle of the room. Tears streamed down my face. I was confused, furious, and felt most of all, useless. My eighteenth birthday was in six weeks, and yet I felt like a toddler. I had promised myself that I'd be able to walk before I became eighteen, but at the rate I was going, it seemed almost impossible.