BEAUTIFUL

003

hey lovely readers!! if you have a minute please check out my best friends acc, she's started to write again and is gonna be making a smuts book! check her out -mnahimnahi

okay happy reading!!
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hoseok stared at the white ceiling, unable to stop the numbers swirling around in his head.

today at lunch, he'd eaten a baggy of little cheese blocks and a packet of almonds. 90 calories each. hoseok could feel the twist in his stomach, and the self-hatred and disgust screaming at him that he was a failure, he couldn't even manage to resist eating. how could he ever be perfect if he succumbed to the smallest pang of hunger?

hoseok rose from the bed, staggering zombie-like to the adjoining bathroom as he felt his lunch rise in his throat. out, out, get it out! his mind was screaming. you'll get fat!

he fell to his knees in front of the toilet, pushing the seat up and allowing himself to fall into the same familiar routine. tears streamed down his cheeks as the food left his body, but hoseok didn't feel regret. he felt happy, because he overcame that moment of weakness at lunch. he would just not eat for a few days to make up for the cheat, hoseok told himself. to discipline himself, and to remind himself of why he was doing this.

he had to be perfect.

✧

"alright, hoseok. we'll just get you to step on the scale real quick then you can leave," smiled namjoon gently. this was his first private session with hoseok; this was where he would ask questions not appropriate for group therapy, and discuss treatments. namjoon considered himself quite familiar with eating disorders, in his few years at the rehab clinic he'd seen more starving teens and young adults than he could count on both hands. however he felt treating jung hoseok would be a bit more difficult, as the male didn't seem to recognize there was anything wrong with him. it was much easier to treat patients who'd already accepted their conditions and disorders, and were ready to get help. but treating patients who were set in their ways and determined that there was absolutely nothing wrong with what they were doing was hard.

hoseok chewed his lip nervously. his eyes casted downwards at the white square, seeing the little pointer aimed at 0. wouldn't it be nice, hoseok thought, if i got on and it stayed at zero.

"come on, it's not that hard. hey, why don't we make a deal? you get on, you don't have to look at the number, and i just write it down without saying anything? that make you more comfortable?" namjoon offered, sensing the brunette's hesitation. 

hoseok nodded slowly, "that seems okay." he kept his eyes trained on the poster taped on the wall above the scale, forcing himself to read it while he stepped onto the scale and not look down.

it was a plain white background, with big black lettering that read 'you did not wake up to be mediocre'.

"okay, thank you hoseok." namjoon spoke. "you can step off now. actually, one question before you go?" hoseok nodded, waiting.

namjoon reclined in his chair, looking like he was carefully thinking on how to phrase his words. "i want you to answer this question as if you were talking to a friend, not a psychiatrist, okay?" hoseok nodded again.

"why do you do it?"

hoseok bit his lip. he'd expected that question to come up sooner or later. the entire time he'd been in namjoon's office, the taller hadn't once asked him why. he took a deep breath.

"i... i have this need to be perfect. i feel that if i'm skinny, i will be beautiful and people will love me. my friends... my friends all left me because of what i do, cause they don't get it. t-that's why, if i'm perfect, i won't be alone."

hoseok waved goodbye to namjoon, turning and walking out of the small office. right as he crossed through the doorway, he spotted a flash of blonde out of the corner of his eyes and paused, scrunching his nose. i must be seeing things, hoseok told himself as he resumed walking. i'm going crazy in here and it's only been three days.

he was halfway down the hall heading towards his room when a hand reached out and grabbed him, yanking him to the side. "wha-!"

hoseok looked into the strangely warm eyes of min yoongi. "yoongi?"

the shorter male ran a hand through his messy blonde hair. "listen, i kinda overheard what you were telling joon. i just wanted to say th–"

hoseok's hand burned from the hit. yoongi stared at him, hand going up to caress his red cheek. "what the hell?"

"i don't want your fucking sympathy, min yoongi. i don't want to be here, there's nothing wrong with me. just leave me alone. and don't ever fucking eavesdrop on my private sessions with dr. namjoon." hoseok turned to walk away but was again held back. it didn't take much, as yoongi was much stronger than hoseok.

"hoseok, you can't just starve yourself because you're lonely. all that's doing is making you skin and bones, constantly exhausted, too weak to even pull my hand away."

"everyone i've ever held close has left me because i'm not worth it, i'm too ugly, i'm garbage. that should tell you something, yoongi," hoseok glared at the older.

yoongi stepped forward, his hand reaching to stroke the brunette's cheek. "the only thing that's telling me is that you don't realize how truly beautiful you are."

hoseok ripped yoongi's hand away, stepping back. "you don't know me, yoongi. you don't know a thing about me. so don't pretend that you do, or tell me you want to. just leave me alone!"

yoongi watched as hoseok ran down the hall, biting his lip as the younger's words ran through his head.