𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 | 𝐲𝐬𝐤

FIFTEEN

chapter fifteen | her

Jaebeom hums against Youngjae's hair. With closed eyes, he fixes his arms to wrap them around the body against him. Youngjae had climbed on top of him about an hour ago with a blanket that engulfed his entire body and Jaebeom simply let him. He sings and hums until the boy is suspiciously quiet. Jaebeom takes Youngjae's phone from his back pocket and angles it until he can finally see and...

Oh, he's asleep.

He feels himself smile and slowly drift asleep until his phone vibrates. He jumps and Youngjae stirs. With one hand he caresses his lover's side and with the other he reaches for his buzzing phone. Once he's sure Youngjae is still peacefully asleep he answers.

"Hello?"

The person on the line fixes his voice at first but it still cracks at the end, "Hey, you still with Youngjae?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, alright nevermind."

"Yoongi, what's wrong?"

He hears the shaky breath and unusually softer words. He's not hanging up without answers.

"...Are you sure?"

"Hurry up, already."

"I kissed him."

"Who? I thought- wait what! Fucking finally, I thought-"

"No, you don't understand," the other chokes up and with an unstable voice says, "I fucked up."

Jaebeom sighs, he looks towards Youngjae's sleeping body and traces his cheek with the pad of his finger. He kisses the top of his head and whispers into the phone, "meet me at the park in ten."

"Are you sure?"

"Just hurry up."

Later, Yoongi's eyes burn with both dried tears and inebriation. He glides down the curved slides and at the end his feet force themselves into the sand his body comes to a halt. He lays back. He just finished telling the recap of his day.

Jaebeom who lays on the one next to him laughs into his words, "Just wait until Kihyun finds out." Yoongi just shakes his head. They watch the stars in silence. They've both never had an A in comfort but they make nice listeners and really, Yoongi just wanted someone to listen. Jaebeom tilts his head when Yoongi drops his pen onto his lap, replacing it quickly with a cigarette. He shakes his head and picks up his own cancer stick. "You let him walk away."

It makes Yoongi start his lighter up twice. "He shouldn't stay if he didn't want to." Jaebeom rolls his eyes. He continues, "I thought of calling her."

"Yoongi.."

"I know, I didn't do it. I just-"

"She used you."

"She got help."

Jaebeom sits up and shakes his head. "You can't help someone like that."

"No, she-"

"Yoongi, listen to me. She hurt you, she knew what she was doing and she hurt you."

"B-But she got help.. she's getting help! And I promised her I would-"

"Do you really think she cares?" Jaebeom realizes late that maybe it is a little bit harsh, but he will never understand otherwise. It quiets him at least. "You wouldn't be in this situation if she did."

"I promised her."

"That you'd what? Wait until she gets better? She's not going to." The latter frowns, "That's your problem, Yoongi. You care too much, You can't leave her behind. Hoseok's probably somewhere crying because you can't leave her behind."

Yoongi's mute for a couple of seconds before it sinks in, "Do I really think I made him cry?"

Jaebeom's exasperated look is enough of an answer.

"Your ex is in a psych ward, probably fucking the gaurds or however that works and your sitting here moping because you just kissed your crush but can't forget a middle school promise?"

"That sounds stupid."

"Oh, really?"

Yoongi blows smoke in his face.

"Listen to me, Yoongi. She doesn't love you, she doesn't know how to. She used you and left you to dry. Maybe she said she was in there for you, that she got help for you but we both know that's not true. She doesn't want help, she wants a challenge. If you think talking to her will make you feel better, it won't. She'll wrap you up again.

It's time to move on. You have a boy out here. One who actually cares about you and is so clearly in love with you, it's almost disgusting. Someone loves you and I know you love him too. Why throw that away, Yoongi? For her?"

See, Yoongi has an ex. She was beautiful, she was bright and kind. But her hands were always cold. She built him up, she took him to beautiful places and left a mark on him wherever he went. He remembers the first time she suggested him to change. She said a tattoo would look nice. So he got one. A withered rose that rests horizontally atop his shoulder blade. She said his hair would look better blonde, so he dyed it. He remembers the smile on her face when she saw it. Then, it was about her. She did it. She made him better. He gave her so much and left himself with nothing. He puts on a new shirt, one that she bought him and it's theirs (hers). Everything was hers because she built him up, she had a right to that. So full of herself, she needed to get told everyday, so that's what he did. That was okay, because he loved her and she loved him. Right? Right, she'd say, twirling his blonde hair and bringing his lips to hers. When he confronts her about her diagnosis she shoves it back in his face. How can anyone as perfect as her, have something wrong with her? And he stays.

When his friends find him breathing heavily in the backyard, he has nothing to say. Yoongi has barely any recollection of that night before she forces a drink into his hand and his vision spins. But he remembers the cop car and the bright lights, he remembers her sweet voice. Yoongi, you wait for me, okay? I'll get out in no time. He doesn't remember the angry faces of his friends while listening in, he doesn't remember her annoyed face saying with such an innocent lilt, I'll get better for you, I love you remember? Promise me you'll wait. He remembers burying his face into her neck and slurring his words, I promise.

He huffs, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it's fitting.

He thinks of a boy with a beautiful smile. One that curves into a pure heart. A boy with the warmest hands and body that fits right into his hands. He thinks of his disgusted look at vulgar things, he thinks of his favorite candy and the night at the party. His worry as the needle left ink into his body. He thinks of their kiss. He tasted of ice cream and lips were as soft as he imagined. He thinks of his watery eyes leaving his home. He thinks of his stutter.

Yoongi thinks, maybe it is time to move on.