Rose Bridges

Thirty

Romero

I'm a fucking asshole. I'm such a fucking asshole.

My hands are shaky as I drive to the coffee shop.

Carmen just kissed me.

Carmen, of all people, just kissed me.

And I didn't kiss her back.

My body feels like it's on autopilot as I drive.

My tongue darts out to lick my lips, trying to still feel the way her's felt against mine.

I don't know why I didn't kiss her back.

It's like my body froze.

Like my brain just...stopped.

But at the same time I knew I wasn't kissing her back.

Can't she see she deserves someone so much better? That I can't be the person she deserves?

Carmen likes me.

Carmen, someone like that, likes me.

How? How does she like me? How could she have seen where I'm from and still do that? How could she have heard what people say about me and still do that?

My breathing feels uneven and my hands begin to shake more.

No no no no.

I pull over onto the side of the road and put the car in park.

My chest tightens and I feel like I'm dying as I struggle to pull air through my nose.

Not right now please not right now.

I try sucking air into my lungs but it feels like I'm choking.

What if she never wants to see me again?

What if I can't be who she wants me to be?

What if that was just a mistake?

I squeeze my eyes shut and let my head fall back against the head rest, running my hands through my hair and tugging slightly.

Why do I have to ruin everything I touch?

By the time my breathing calms down and my hands stop shaking a bit, I grip back onto the wheel.

I continue driving to work, trying to think of just the job I have to complete.

That fails.

Of course.

~

I go the entire school day without seeing Carmen.

My eyes gloss through every face I see, trying to find her.

Where are you?

In the hallway I see Zara and my hairs immediately prick up.

I push through people to reach her.

"Zara," I call out.

She turns around with pinched brows, confused as she looks for whose calling her name.

Once she sees me she smiles. "Oh hey Romero."

"Hi," I breathe out. "Have you seen Carmen?"

"Umm," she thinks. "No but I will at lunch."

"When does she get out of debate practice today?" I ask as I shove my hands in my pockets.

"At 3pm. It's a shorter meeting today because Mr. Wright has a doctors appointment she told me." Zara rolls her eyes at the mention of the teacher. "Why?"