three hearts in one home (l.s.)

29. Nightmares and lovers

I’m not sure where I am when I wake up until I remember staying at Louis’ last night. It’s dark and when I look at the clock, I have no idea why I’d wake up at three in the morning.

I have no idea until I hear someone quietly whimpering next to me. I turn around in bed just to see Louis laying next to me, eyes closed peacefully.

I close my eyes again, trying to fall back asleep when he mumbles something under his breath I can’t quiet understand and it sounds like it’s not exactly a happy dream he’s having.

I should probably wake him up, that’s what you do when someone is having a nightmare, isn’t it?

“Louis”, I whisper, hoping to maybe comfort him, but he keeps whimpering quietly without waking up. I stroke a loose strand out of his forehead softly.

“Hey, babe?”, I mumble, shaking his shoulder carefully until he finally opens his eyes slowly.

“Harry?” His voice is raspy and sleepy but there’s also some sadness to it.

“Yeah, it’s me. Are you okay?”
He nods, moving closer to me and snuggling his face into my neck. We stay like this for a bit until his breath stops going fast and is back to normal.

“Nightmare?”
He nods. “Sorry for waking you up, it usually doesn’t happen when you sleep here.”

“What?” I frown, looking at him concerned, but his face is still buried in my neck so I don’t even have to try to make out the expression on his face in the dark. “You keep having those?”

He shrugs and nods at the same time, finally moving away a little so I can at least make out his silhouette in the dark. He looks so tiny like this, so cuddly, so loveable.

“Yeah”, he whispers, “But it’s better when you’re there with me.”

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me?” Baby. B.a.b.y.

It’s quiet again, just him shuffling in bed, sitting up and leaning against the headboard halfway. “I didn’t think it wold be important.”

I sit up as well, moving to him, our sides pressed together and our fingers intertwined now. His hand is a little cold so I keep running my thumb over the palm of his hand to try and comfort him.
“But it is. How often?”

“Three times a week, maybe four?”, he says, but it sounds more like a question, as if it was wrong to admit that, as if he couldn’t trust me.

“I’m sorry, love. Do you know why? What are they about?” I pull on his waist into my direction so we’re even closer and he lets his head rest on my shoulder.
He doesn’t answer so I’m scared I might’ve gone to far. “Only if you want to tell me.”

“Yeah”, he says quietly, “I don’t know what they’re about, not really. They started a week after the accident or so. I don’t exactly remember what I dream about, I only know that when I wake up, I’m scared you or Jonah might be gone, that you’re not okay. That I might have left you two, that you left us.”

I frown, pressing my thumb into his waist and kissing the top of his head twice. “Baby, I’m here. I will be. I’m there with you and we’ll be fine. I won’t just leave.”

“I know”, he whispers, voice breaking a little, “You’re there right now, but what if you won’t be anymore one day? What if I won’t be? What if everything will be as sudden as it was with my mum, what if Jonah will grow up without his dad, what if I’ll have to keep going without you by my side one day?”

I don’t answer, I don’t know what to say, I just hold tightly him while he cries silently, tears falling onto the fabric of my sleeping shirt.

“I just am so scared of loss, Harry, I’m so scared of losing someone or someone having to lose me.”

“I know, darling, I know.” I whisper into his hair silently, turning to wrap my leg around his waist and pressing our chests together. “Is it just death or me randomly leaving you?”

He shrugs. “I’m not sure. Both, maybe. Just don’t get tired of us? Don’t be annoyed by me spending too much time with Jonah, don’t get sick of me crying over what happened?

“Lou”, I say forcefully, “I would never, how could you think that, babe?”

He shrugs. “You’re the only one I need, Harry, you and my son are all I’m asking for, but I don’t know what I’d do if you left, if you weren’t there anymore one day.”

“I get that, love, I really do, but please let me tell you that I’d never do that. I’d never give up on the two most amazing persons I know, I’d never give up on Jonah who makes every single day better just by laughing over one of my stupid jokes, I’d never give up on you making a stressful day better with just a call or a hug. I’d never, ever give up on the persons in my life I l-“ I stop before it slips out, stop, before I accidentally say it out loud. “I like best. Never.”

I can’t see him but I know he’s smiling now, so I am too.
“Thank you”, he whispers, “I think it’s hard for me to accept that someone would want me, us. Would want all that messiness, all that chaos, all that mess.”

“I want all of that. Want your happiness, want your sadness, want your tears, your laughter, your fights. Want everything, want you as my family.”

“You’re making me cry”, he sniffles, placing a hand on my jaw before kissing me softly.

“That wasn’t my intention, was thinking of a smile.”

“I’m smiling”, he mumbles and presses his lips onto mine, “Can’t you feel?”

And weirdly enough, I can. Can tell by the way the tension falls of his body and he stops clinging to my sweater, the way his hand starts playing with my hair carefully, the way his heart beats against mine.

“Louis?”, I ask, quietly, because am I actually going to ask this? Am I really about to say that?

“Yeah?”

“Would you be less scared if I was yours?”

“Mine, as in-“ he pauses, letting the question end mid sentence, waiting for me to finish his sentence.

“As in partner, lover, future husband. As in my boy, my darling, my love. As in boyfriend.”

“Oh”, he whispers, breathing faster again, cupping my jaw, “Yeah, that would make me less scared. If you were mine.”

I smile, happiness spreading in my chest, forming a smile on my lips and making my heart beat heavily.
“Be mine?”

“Yeah”, he breathes, “I’ll be yours.”

And then he kisses me again, this time as a boyfriend, not a date, this time as a partner, not a crush. This time it’s long and soft and not rushed, it’s enough, because this time, we belong together.

“Harry?”, he asks against my lips, not wanting to break the kiss, “So, you’ll be mine?”

I laugh quietly, feeling him smile underneath my lips.
“I already am”, I say, reattaching our lips, “All yours, Louis.”

And as he kisses me again carefully after a minute, I know that this time, it is love.

~~~

boyfriends:)