Whispers in the Pages

Diary entry 61

December 15,2019

Dear Diary,

It's been two weeks since I last wrote, I have been unconscious for the past three days. I had another heart attack, and this time, it was triggered by seeing Taehyung silently crying beside me, thinking I was just asleep. The pain in his tears was too much for my already weak heart to bear. This was the last thing I wanted to witness. I want to shout out in pain that my soul is thrashing with.

But I can't.

I..... just can't.

I feel so helpless now, like a mere shell of the person I used to be. My body has withered away, and I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I've lost so much weight, my eyes have sunken deep, and my skin has turned pale. I have been living on support system now. The doctors say my health is deteriorating rapidly, and they fear that I may not survive another attack.

I can see death approaching now, like a tsunami ready to crash over me and engulf everything in its path. It feels like my world is crumbling, and I can't do anything to stop it. The pain and suffering are becoming too much to bear, not just for me, but for my loved ones as well.

Taehyung's tears break my heart, and I can't bear to see him so miserable and emotionless. He is slowly turning into some robot who doesn't know emotions. His face is blank most of the times but I know he is crying from inside. He is just keeping his tears at bay in front of me.

I know he must cry to Jimin everyday complaining why am I doing this to him.

I don't want to do that, Diary.... I swear I don't want that. You know it well. I want to spend thousands of years with him. I want to laugh with him, I want to have a family with him...a big family. I want to give him all the happiness this universe can offer.

But I don't have time.... I am helpless.

My mother's tears, my father's fake smile, and the pain in my colleagues' eyes—all of it is tearing me apart. I can't pretend to be strong anymore. I want this to end, for everyone's sake.

The medicines have stopped working, and the pain in my arm, neck, back, and jaw is becoming unbearable. I can't keep pretending that I don't care, that everything is fine. I wish I could find the words to tell everyone how much I love them, how much they mean to me before I die, but the words are trapped in my throat.

As I am sitting here, writing to you after pleading my nurse to remove the oxygen mask, everyone is waiting outside. I don't even know what they are waiting for, anymore. I know all of them are crying and feeling helpless just like me.

Please God!, not for myself, but for everyone else....Please! I beg you to end our misery and takes me to the heavens, where there will be no pain, no suffering. I want everyone to find happiness again, to be free from the burden of my impending death.

I can see I don't have much time left with me now, Diary, but I want to thank you again, for being my confidant through all of this. You've listened to my fears and my hopes, and I can only hope that my words will live on even after I'm gone.

This time, it is a final goodbye.

These words smeared with my tears will keep my pain alive. If possible, please keep this pain hidden from him like you have kept all my secrets till now.

Take care of my Taehyung. Be my voice and stay with him. Tell him every morning how beautiful he looks with his messy hairs. Show him how I am so proud of him for staying strong and going through the day. Tell him to rest well when he is tired. Be strict and ask him to eat on time if he skips meals....

Tell him to love himself after me for I won't be there to do that.

With a heavy heart and tear-filled eyes,

Jungkook