reminiscence

Eighty-Three

Slight tw: mention of rape

"Niall?" I asked laying on his bare chest as he fingers lazily ran up my back.

It was later in the night and our mother's decided to go out. We chose to stay in as Niall was tired and I still had a minor headache.

It was quite funny and backwards that the children are staying in as there mothers went out to the pub.

Ever since my mothers words at the dinner table earlier I've been thinking about Hudson's lasting effect on me and the people around me. He ruined my life and still has this holding power over me. I needed to let that go.

I wasn't scared of him anymore.

"Hmm" he hummed I could tell he was almost asleep but the speed his finger slow downed to on my back.

"Can I tell you something?" I said now leaning on my elbow to look up at him.

His tired eyes flicked open as his bright blue eyes met mine.

"Course love" he said returning my movements and laying on his side so we were face to face

"I know you're tired but Umm I-" I started but grew nervous looking away from his eyes and down at his chest. Which didn't make me feel any better. It only made my stomach twist into anticipation.

I wanted to admit to him why I stoped kissing him this morning. I've noticed on each kiss since he's been holding back and I knew he had this sense of knowing something was wrong.

"It's just me Bella" he hushed placing his hand on my shoulder and giving in a light squeeze "you know you can tell me anything"

"It's easier said then done" I mumbled under my breathe but I knew he heard me. There was no way he didn't from how close we were

"Hey, look at me" he said tilting my chin up "whats wrong?"

"Nothings wrong. I have just been think about what my mom said... how I was always be known as the girl with an abusive ex, or the broken girl who found someone just like her father" I let out a breathe trying to not lock eyes with him but it was impossible. The knot in my stomach grew tighter and I just needed to get it out.

"Darling that's not what she was saying and you know that. Your mother is so proud of you and she's been-"

"I didn't stop kissing you earlier today because of my headache" I blurted out interrupting him

"Oh?" Niall said raising an eyebrow. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He was thinking I didn't want to.

"No not like that!" I explained putting my hands on his chest. I was getting flustered that I couldn't get the words out "This is exactly why I didn't want to tell you!"

I loved him. And god did I love kissing him! I didn't want him think any different but my mind wasn't connecting to my words. So much anger with myself was building inside me.

"I'm just confused. Because when I kiss you I feel an attraction I've never felt before, almost like nothing else matters. Like I want to devour you. I can't believe that feeling isn't two sided. I've just always thought..."

"No Niall I do! Wait... what did you say?" I asked ,shocked at his words, looking him in the eyes again. His words distracting me from my flustering mess of a brain.

He smirked shaking his head "You heard me, angel"

I smiled at his new nickname for me pulling my bottom lip under my teeth. I couldn't believe the words coming from Niall's mouth and how they were making me feel. I almost wanted to kiss him just to shut him up. I couldn't handle this clouding my brain. I needed to clear my mind and focus on what I was needing to say.