reminiscence

Twenty-Five

"Here love" Niall handed me boxers and a band tee. We made it back to his room. My eyes drained from tears as we walked the road back hand in hand.

"I'm sorry Ni. I didn't mean to burden you with all my nonsense"

Niall stood up quickly from his spot on the floor in front of his suitcase.

" Are you joking? Bella I'm always here for you. You know that"

I nodded playing with the clothes in my hands. I was nervous now that I've opened up to him what did he think I'd me? Did he think I'm crazy? Did he see me as broken?

"I should change" I stuttered

"Yeah course, I'll take the couch again" Niall pulled me into a hug one last time "goodnight Bella"

"Goodnight Niall"

He placed a kiss on my forehead before leaving the room. Leaving me all alone. Thankfully I was actually tired and could use some sleep.

Your pathetic. You bitch. Your mine. You don't deserve anyone's love.

"Bells"

Everyone hates you. You're fat. Lose some weight. You ugly slut. Put some clothes on.

"Bella"

You  don't deserve you're friends. They just put up with you. No one will love you more then me.

"ARABELLA"

My eyes shot open seeing Niall over me shaking me awake.

"Bells you were screaming, what's wrong?"

I sat up covered in sweat. Niall sitting on the edge of the bed looking very concerned.

"Niall?" I asked

"Yeah love. I'm here. Did you have a bad nightmare?"

"Ummm...Yeah sorry to wake you" I rubbed the sweat from my forehead . Trying to steady my breath. Keeping my nerves hidden from him. I didn't want him to know just how broken I was.

"No it's alright bells" he reached over placing a hand on my knee. Gently rubbing."You want to talk about it?"

"Umm no" shaking my head as I adjusted the blankets. Niall gave me a more concerning look. I know I should tell him that Hudson's words we're playing over and over in my mind. I know it would make me feel better but I don't want to trouble him.

"Later maybe" I sighed rubbing my eyes trying to relive some pressure that was causing my head to pound.

Niall placed a hand on my forehead "You're burning up, let me get you some water"

He left the room before I could argue only returning a moment later with a glass of water and some pain killer. I took a sip swallowing the pills before placing the glass on the side table.

"Thank you " I whispered "My head is killing me"

"You're welcome love" he turned on his feet towards the door "get some rest ok?"

" Wait.. Niall" I sighed making him stop in his tracks.

I needed him to stay. Maybe it was because of the fear to close my eyes again or the feeling of safety he gave me but I needed him.

"Look I've had a rough day and all I need right now is cuddles"

In two strides he made his way back over to the bed.

"Would it help if I stayed?"

"Please" I pleaded looking up a him. Needing nothing more.

He said nothing. He just climbing under the covers next to me. Pulling me into his chest so we were spooning. He draped an arm around my waist.

The breath I've been holding in left my body immediately as my body relaxed. I missed being in Niall's arms. He made me feel so at ease. I felt the safest I have felt in the last five years. Erasing every image of Hudson playing in my mind. I knew the nightmares would drift away. I drifted off the sleep listening to him hum in my ear.

The sun shined through the windows waking me up. I groaned stretching my arms out realizing Niall was no longer next to me. I couldn't believe where I was. So comfortable with Niall again. Using the word comfortable around Niall was something I never thought would happen again. But it felt just the same as we did when we were kids. Like nothing ever happened. But of course it did and I can't forget that.

Niall opened the door quietly. Not realizing I was awake. He had a stack of my clothes in his hands. He snuck around the room so quietly before placing the stack neatly on the dresser.

"Good morning" I yawned catching Niall off guard

"Fucking hell" Niall jumped turning to me in bed "I didn't know you were up. You usually sleep in"

"Just woke up actually " I giggled at his jumpy reaction "Just in time to see you lose your shit first thing in the morning"

"You think you're so funny" he laughed returning his attention to straighten the pile on his dresser.

"I ran by your moms this morning and got you some clothes"

"Oh thanks Nialler " I sat up stretching my arms as he sat on the bed next to me

"We can go by and get you're stuff from Hudson's later"

I tensed. Is this what I wanted, for it all to end. I needed time to think about it.

"Oh I mean...you don't...I don't know if... I don't think I want to do that"

Niall was confused. He looked at me dumbfounded. As I caught him off guard for the second time this morning.

"That's what you want right?"

"I don't know" I repeated

"I'll be right by your side" he took my hands in his "he will never hurt you again"

"You say that but Ni, I can't just end it like this. He's been my boyfriend for 5 years, those are 5 years I have lost. I feel so stupid. I'm such an idiot"

"Love, you are not" he tried to pull me in close but I stood up avoiding his touch. "He doesn't deserve you Bella"

"Why? Because I'm so naive. To innocent for him? Is that why he hurts me Niall? Because I'm so childish!"
I was now standing in front of the window. I was so angry. Hudson's words still having a control over me. My anger boiling and filling the room. Unfortunately affecting Niall. I wasn't angry at Niall. I don't know why I was screaming. I shouldn't be taking it out on him.

"Does anyone deserve me!" I broke down in tears staring out the window. I felt Niall stand behind me. So close I could hear him breathing.

"Bella look at me" he turned me around to face him. My face covered in tears. He reached up wiping under my eyes with his thumb. "You are not any of those things. You are smart, kind, loving, the best damn bartender I know" I laughed through my tears. "And my of course my best friend"

I practically jumped in his arms wrapping him up tight. A feeling of relief instantly coming over me. He always knew exactly what to say to cheer me up. He was truly my friend. My best friend.

"You change and I'll go start breakfast yeah?"

He said pulling away and handing me my clothes. I nodded sending him a smile as he left the room.